It was completely unexpected. After a nice dinner and a movie you sat me down and told me we needed to talk. No one ever wants to hear that phrase. You no longer wanted to be with me. You couldn’t handle this intense relationship anymore and you wanted out. I didn’t understand where this was coming from. I sat there crying and crying. I begged you to stay, i told you that I needed you. But all you could do was shake your head. I could see that tears were coming down your face too and I took your hands into mine. I told you that we can slow things down and work this out. Love can be a great thing and it doesn’t have to be so hard. You told me we would have just been great friends. But there’s no regressing. I can’t look at you the same way anymore, how could you expect me to after all we’ve been through. I reminded you, you were the one who said you loved me first. I’ve never seen you cry so hard before that night. I continued by telling you that you would have a much easier time getting over this relationship than me. all you could do was shake your head. I started to get frustrated and yelled. You get to leave and be in China but I have to stay here when every little God damn thing reminds me on you. It’s not fair. This wasn’t fair to me when none of this was expected. I tried to kiss you but all it felt like was our lips touching.
I asked if it was because you wanted to be with other girls. You said your dad told you once that you were meant to be alone for the rest of his life, and he was right. I wanted you to prove your dad wrong and show him that he always doesn’t know everything You said if you stayed with me, I would be living a lie. I couldn’t understand what you meant by that but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I would be lying to myself because all I wanted to do was be with you. You were my future.
That night was long. I could see how much it hurt you to do what you were doing but I somehow couldn’t convince you to stay with me. I was scared. I couldn’t stop shaking. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare and have everything be back to normal. But it wasn’t happening. You held me while i sobbed on your chest and told me that we could talk about it once you’ve reached China. You packed up your things and I walked you down to the car. You gave me a quick kiss and left.
I haven’t heard from you since. But come to find I see you talking to the girl you cheated on me with last Summer. I let it slide that time because I loved you. I wanted to see this one work out. Fool me once, shame on you but fool me twice and shame on me… Right? So now my emotions are mixed and I go back and forth of hating myself and wanting you back. All those words you said are a lie? Maybe it was easier for you to tell me that “I’m not ready” bullshit than telling me that you haven’t gotten the player out of you. With me, the chase was over because I was completely head over heels for you. Everyone knew that.
“Don’t you go chasing after him,” I hear my mom say. But I feel myself frequently opening up a new e-mail to compose only to discard the message. “You were such an independent, strong woman before him.” Was I? I got caught up with the wrong people and I always wanted what I couldn’t have. I didn’t respect myself. After you, I changed. I became less bitter towards love and I gave this relationship everything I had because I had faith. But what do I get now? Only a broken heart and no closure. A friend tells me, “Don’t try to hide your emotions and suppress them. If you want to cry you have to just let it out.” I feel like I do now, all too often. I’m sick of hearing that things will get better, or that I deserve someone better than you. But all I ever wanted was… You.
I can’t sleep at night without medicine to make me drowsy. I rarely eat. I can’t hold it together during work; my mind wanders and I cant help but cry. My smiles are fake and I can’t bring myself to truly laugh. This love is taking all of my energy and it’s killing me.So what am I supposed to do? You won’t talk to me, and I’m afraid it won’t be for the whole Summer. Maybe the day will come where I get over this. But the wound would be ripped open when I have to see you in meeting for our business fraternity. How would I react then? I can’t let you have the satisfaction and quit. But maybe I will have no choice.
So tell me, what do I do now? I want you to come back to me. Find this whole thing a mistake and take me back. But will you? I don’t know. Should I let you? I’m not so sure about that either. I would do anything to be with you right now but when do I draw the line? I’m lost. I need help. Someone… Please.